Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
You Might Also Like
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I cannot stop laughing at this
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude