@iinkedZombie

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

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@juneohara65

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

@ShortSleeveSuit

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

@nedroid

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

@moron_online

I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it

@rickolantern

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

@errdayhustlah

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

@Aspersioncast

My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.

@daemonic3

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests