Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
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Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The only equipped I am is ill.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three