I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
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I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests