Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

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Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”


Perplexed in Poughkeepsie


If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?


ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego


[helping my only child do homework]

5: can you help?

Me: I’m awful with numbers

8: pleeeeeeeease


Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?


I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.


[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]


“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.