Kids these days won't get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Had a girl say “I want you to treat me like a virgin” So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage

Elves: no!

Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light

Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.

We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

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