Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
You Might Also Like
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
calling in to work dehydrated
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”