Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.