Kids throw a toy at you and hit you on the head and think it’s hilarious, but if you do it back they’ll start screaming at the top of their lungs.

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Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.


The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.


A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.


I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.


I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.


We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.


Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.


Well, if it doesn’t include antidepressants, they shouldn’t call it a Happy Meal.