Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
that de-escalated quickly
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”