@RunOldMan

Kids throw a toy at you and hit you on the head and think it’s hilarious, but if you do it back they’ll start screaming at the top of their lungs.

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@ThisOneSayz

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

@freudianscript

Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.

@PaulChimko

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

@ibid78

A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.

@Staaltje68

I’m 50 but feel like 30. Until I hang out with 30 year olds.
Then I am like, nope nevermind, I’m 50.

@funnyoneliners

I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.

@VisionBored1

We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.

@AsgardianRose

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

@PoorEvelyn

Well, if it doesn’t include antidepressants, they shouldn’t call it a Happy Meal.