Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
You Might Also Like
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“Why you watching this shit?”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
everyone has that one prude friend
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Just so funny
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?