Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

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If you’re the only child, anyone can unlock your mom’s devices and accounts.


4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?


Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.


*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*


I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.


i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.


Blood is thicker than water, so I’m going to have to use Comet on this bathtub


[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats