@behindyourback: Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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@kevnasto: I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min i come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.
@ThoughtOtter: Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
@squirrel74wkgn: [stumbles out of bar with girl] We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
@TheMichaelRock: Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.