Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth