Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?