Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious