Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
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McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
New comic up. “Ransom”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Close call…
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.