Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.