Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.