Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
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How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
💯😂
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?