[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
Thought I heard clattering
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary
*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..
But on the other hand..
I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.
-Drunk me at a zoo
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name