Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Passwords are more important than ever.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.