Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]