Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

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First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.


I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me


[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”


Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.


My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”


NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat


When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy


I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.


Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu