Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[During an ultrasound scan]
Doctor:The baby looks fine.
Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!
3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”