@GrillinChillin9

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

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@Browtweaten

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

@aparnapkin

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

@howe007

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package.”

No guy is putting those two words so close to each other.

@iGreenMonk

A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist

@gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

@Gooooats

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.

@CheryeDavis

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

@darksidedeb

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}