@GrillinChillin9

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

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@jakob_huber

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

@AntozWolf

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

@_Tempo11

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

@LivibelsDada

Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.

@Peteypops13

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

@JustDontBugMe

[During an ultrasound scan]

Doctor:The baby looks fine.

Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!

3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?

@ThisOneSayz

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

@TheDairylandDon

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

@MariyaAlexander

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”