Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
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Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Basketball
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Time for evil