Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!