@ozzyunc

Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.

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@Havish_AF

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

@C0REZI

harry potter, age 11: why do you hate weasleys so much? they seem nice

draco malfoy: they are blood traitors. i bet they use toilets too

harry potter: i- [voice cracking] what

@DrakeGatsby

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

@dumbbeezie

Some days youโ€™re the dodgeball, some days youโ€™re the face

@flashember

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

@edsbs

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

@GretchenVB

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

@Freudianscript

I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.