My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
this is how life feels
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
If snakes were wide