Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.

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-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?


harry potter, age 11: why do you hate weasleys so much? they seem nice

draco malfoy: they are blood traitors. i bet they use toilets too

harry potter: i- [voice cracking] what


If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?


Some days youโ€™re the dodgeball, some days youโ€™re the face


when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap


I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble


do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?


I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.