Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Why is no one talking about this?!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.