Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
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Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.