Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

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Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.


Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re


Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.


Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.


The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.


Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*


[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.


“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.


When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you’d end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity’s Instagram.