“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
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Seals are just dog mermaids.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.