@mom_tho

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

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@BrainFumbles

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”

@Mostly_Cheese

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

@

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@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

@freypalm

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

@SaraESpivey

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

@Gupton68

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

@BlindChow

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.