@FatherWithTwins

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

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@pleatedjeans

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

@AnniemuMary

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

@mackswift

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

@Devoguido

Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.

@DomBorrett

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

@mrtruthandsoul

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!