American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I’m so full I could puke a horse
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting