Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
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There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I love you…
…r dog.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Finished stitching this today 😇
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.