@philco816

Kids we are running late let’s go!

*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*

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@thenatewolf

EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.

*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*

EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!

@PaperWash

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

@DavidKlein5

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

@riklomas

? Client not paid?
? Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

@shariv67

Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can’t figure out how to return it.

@UnFitz

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

@VectorBelly

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

@SardonicTart

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

@LaziestCanine

Wife: we need to improve our home
Me: agreed
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously