@philco816

Kids we are running late let’s go!

*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*

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@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

@10kbabyspiders

Three seconds into a three way:

We need to hurry this up. I have to poop

@nyquills

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

@yaboybillnye

WTF VAMPIRE BATS WILL VOMIT BLOOD INTO MOUTHS OF SICK BATS 2 KEEP THEM ALIVE THATS DOPE AF & STILL A BETTER LOVESTORY THAN TWILIGHT

@CountGripsnatch

Me: I should stop drinking

Me: Why?

Me: I dunno

Me: You’re awesome when you drink

Me: Really?

Me: Yeah

Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright

@sarahedwig

I love the fries/ketchup combo, but if you put your ketchup all over the fries, you are probably a psychopath who likes toes

@AntozWolf

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

@argumentwinner

capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation