me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
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All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.