EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.
*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*
EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!
Kids we are running late let’s go!
*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*
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[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
? Client not paid?
? Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can’t figure out how to return it.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Wife: we need to improve our home
Wife: remodeling the kitchen should be top priority
Me: [crosses out “get more dogs”] obviously