@LoveNLunchmeat

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

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@ElizaBayne

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

@mattZillaaaa

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

@HotlinkStrahota

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

@causticbob

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

@Inconsteveable

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

@RobDenBleyker

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

@SteveDutzy

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

@ThatMummyLife

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

@skin_and_i

I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

@CAshmanActor

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop