Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
the rocks need my help
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Danger is very dangerous
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes