Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
what it’s like dating me:
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.