Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
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Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Said the murderer.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
me hooking up with my ex
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist