Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

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[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?


She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset


Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog


sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”


When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.


My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.


I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.


There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.