Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
For the orator and chef in all of us
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.