@Marlebean

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

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@ThatAdamKid

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

@brennadine

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

@fro_vo

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

@Dutch_50

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

@c12h22o11balls

Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?

@mollymcnearney

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

@daddydoubts

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

@Dawn_M_

The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.

@Rachelnoise

If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.