I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
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If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away