Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

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I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges


If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.


The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.


[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent


“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well


HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.


Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot


[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!


Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.


If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away