Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

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Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!


Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.


*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now


A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.


Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?


Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.


Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.


The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.


If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.