Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
nyc:
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.