Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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Facebook marketplace is a different world
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.