Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

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Friend: Omg you know when you get sober & get embarrassed?

Me: No.


*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?


Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”


If I ever get the chance to reveal a chupacabra to the world, I hope I have the presence of mind to say, “Chupacadabra!”


Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way


Me: I’m hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103!

911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?

M: maybe

911: stop


Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.


Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.