kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
You Might Also Like
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
who wants to go expliring
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT