Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
You Might Also Like
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Warm pools make me nervous.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…