HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Kids wont go to sleep so I’m playing hide&seek. And now they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?
Wife: My friend’s turkey died. She’s really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her?
Me: How about some gravy?
Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!