Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
You Might Also Like
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Extremely relatable.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.