Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
is nasa ok
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
The Punning Dead.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.