@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

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@nPhelendriqal

I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.

@carbsley

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

@hythemafia

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

@weinerdog4life

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.

@sarah1mc

I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.

@LionJenkins

Rolls down car window.

Throws caution to the wind.

Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

@PinkCamoTO

Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.

@Baxterbix

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?