@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

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@dadtellsjokes

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months

@vineyille

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

@spitfirehussy

You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

@bigmacher

#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!

@dyldonot

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

@AwkwardComedy

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings