Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

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I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.


squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?


Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap


“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”


Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.


I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.


Rolls down car window.

Throws caution to the wind.

Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.


Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.


I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?