“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
You Might Also Like
OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he’s getting away!
ME: no need to shout, ma’am, i’ll handle it
OLD LADY: oh thank you!
ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he’s getting away!
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
‘What other miracles can you do?’
Jesus: I can varnish
‘You mean vanish?’
J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.