Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

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Hello @netflix. I’ve written a script for a scary movie you could make for Halloween. It’s called “Jetpack Dracula”. Let’s make it happen.


The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.


I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.


Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right


Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife


Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that


Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face


*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*



Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.