Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Has there ever been a more American story?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate