Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you to the refrigerator and back

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.