@hazelmotes1

Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil

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@onelongbender

When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

@Sickayduh

BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night
SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility
CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I’m stuck in a tree

@kelownagoose

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

@StinkyGr33n

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

@Scriblit

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

@LaTreiHinton

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

@Great_JENetics

*found in the netflix horror section*
“Mary has a secret that’ll TEAR YOU APART”
Movie name: Mary piranha