@hazelmotes1: Kids, you'll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil
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@panmidwest: [my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance] wife: what’s he doing me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family her: what is it me: i... just... told you?
@envydatropic: My New Year's resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.
@thequeensheart: "Mom, I promise I won't interrupt your nap." "Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?"
@robfromonline: me: aren't you going to ask if i'm sexually active doctor: i don't really need to me: wait why doctor: me: doctor: look i heard you say 'okie dokie' to the receptionist i already know you aren't