When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.