KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Is this you?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.