KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

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Why don’t they just use a 3 year old with a drum set as an enhanced interrogation technique?


your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig


Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.


I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how they cut their sandwich.
Diagonal = normal
Straight = serial killer
No cut = dad


Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects


Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.


It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.