You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Kik you? Like what? In the face?
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This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying “I’m stalking you” was much funnier in my head.
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.