Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
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Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?