“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
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Ramen again? This guy’s a mess.
-mice in my kitchen
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Lol at birds that walk places.
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?
Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?