@SentenceReduced

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

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@DanMentos

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

@DrCat_MD

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

@fluffysuse

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

@007Rex_Inc

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

@JessObsess

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

@TheAndrewNadeau

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

@VenisVal

Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!