[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
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Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
we all know this pain all too well
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.