Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don’t look rude. Now it looks like I’m all excited about stupid shit, and I’m Okay!! with that.
“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.
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Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
*creaking sounds upstairs*
Me: Alexa, what was that!?
Alexa: This home was built on land sacred to the indigenous people, now the spirit of the Wendigo is here to drag you to your death
Me: *purses lips* Next time, just say ghosts
Sorry I yelled: BLESS YOU and handed you a tissue after you told me you loved me
Blow your nose, it will pass
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.