Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

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And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.


You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.


Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.


[God, wasted, creating humans]
Angel: How do they cool themselves off?
God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them.
Angel: How…Ok.


I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.


My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.


I wish my name was Grudge. This way my wife would hold on to me forever.