Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die