Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*