Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
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whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
🤣😈🤣
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.