Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
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The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most